Friday, March 02, 2007
just when i thought im enjoying myself during the recess week,having fun and stuff,im very wrong.everything came crashing down on me last night.not that im the one affected in the first place but well,i could well be affected by people around me too.
after having an extremely crazy dinner outing last nite with the hall7 vballer clique at JP,things changed drastically when we came back.though i wasn't involved,i could something was going on last night.my ROOMIE got EMO-FIED after returning from blk 37!!!well,i just kept quiet and do whatever i was doing.then i realised that msn nicks were changing and somehow i think something must have happened!!!and afterwhich his engaged in a battle with the keyboard.i continued to do my stuff hoping that everything will be fine!!!till a certain stage,i was just so tired that i decided to zonk out!2am and was awaken by calls of mahjong khakis!!!asking my roomie to play mahjong and i decided to continue sleeping.well,i just hope nothing really went wrong.
what really brought me down was the call from my mum this morning!she called me to inform me that one of my distant relative had passed away.his my late grandpa's bro.i was indeed surprised and sad.though i don't really visit them often,every new year we'll definitely go over and bai nian with him.His one very nice guy and he often offers very valuable advices.i went over to his place during the 1st day of CNY and we had a great lunch and chat for awhile.at that moment,he appeared to be perfectly fine and healthy to me and i was definitely shocked to receive news of his death this morning.somehow,i really being to wonder what if someday i'll just leave so suddenly?life's so fragile and i realised that i don't really cherish what i have now.i remembered there was once when i was in J1 that we jogged to this cemetary near CJ during odac training.We came to this huge train and had a break over there.Suddenly my Teacher in charge mr lim spoke to us.he was exchanging his views on death with us.i remember him saying something about we all belong to the universe.we're made up of atoms and we come and leave with a purpose.once we've serve our purpose or not,when we die,we're just being recycled to create some others.we'll just remain in the cycle and we shouldn't look at death as something extremely negative.instead we should just live like there's going to be no tml.strive for what we want and cherish what we have.after all these years,i still haven't learn!!!all i know is to have fun and just be happy.but well,things have changed.i realised i can never return to that stage of life cycle ever again.
realised that happy go lucky kind of attitude can no longer satisfy me.most of my friends only see the happy and cheerful side of me.but well,its just a cover.though i can be very easy going but there are times whereby this happy side is just a mask.no one really seen the down side of me yet.sometimes i really wish that's someone there whereby i can really open up and speak to.and truthfully,its damn sianz and painful to keep everything within.with more stresses coming from this point in life,i really wonder when i'm going to seriously breakdown.but well,im still glad that i've good friends that's by my side.especially people like kenneth!in fact,i would say his the only one that i really tell him most stuffs though there's not many!really got to thank him for being just there to go through shit together lolz.projects,programmes and trainings.arghx...why am i like crapping my way when im suppose to study and prepared for school and quizes next week.reports almost completed but assignments still not done.im so dead.on top of that,i need some time to myself for the simple reason that i think i'm losing my SELF gradually.i don't want to do things to please people and i just want to be myself.like it anot,this is the Meng Heng you'll get.im just sick and tired of just trying too hard even though im determined.ARGHz...please help me!i just feel so lost.i want to get over it and start all over like a piece of blank paper.Will i?Can i?Do i?...*searching*
i hope you all did well girls!congrats to ben for ur results.dun wry,you'll get somewhere for sure.whatever the case now,don't look bad and think about the past.we should just plan ahead and have a vision for tml!no point looking back and wasting time having trash talk of 'if i did this and that........'move on and learn to be stronger.whoever needs a listening ear,i'll be there.
'what if i were to die tml...'
♥Oh, so vintage... 5:18 PM
